I may need to visit them again.

What am I doing on this totally uninspiring rainy day?
I just finished writing a letter to a company that offered me a job that I am declining.
Restless all nigh every time I woke that thought of what to do about my job comes into my head. My still laying in bed brain thought I should contact a psychic and they would give me some guidance. I goggled some that I could drive to even found one in town. I didn't contact them instead I did the next best thing and called my mom.
Her advice was open ended. She seems to always end her advice of what I should do with my life as just leave it all behind and move closer to me. Even if I don't get the right advice because I don't know what is the right advice I at least got to vent to a buyice loving person and this makes me feel better for a little while till I realise I am still trying to figure everything out.
 I call the decision maker my husband at work. He tells me out right to not even think about taking the job. It is the same work for less pay and less benefits and crazy schedule. He makes it sound so simple.
I think about it for a while but I know I have to be on the same page as my husband because my decision effects the whole family just not me. For me the new job would be great. But having a family this job doesn't have any benefits for anyone but me. It is mentally and physically easier for me. The people I would be working with are more likable.
I guess I have a lot of factors right now to add to this crazy decision. I have been having issues with my kidneys and am at a stand still as what will be happening to me. If I have to have an operation on my kidneys I will need the benefits of my current employer. so I couldn't even move forward until I find this out.
If I pull myself together an make a stand for what I feel will be a better outcome in the long run for me mentally and take this job offer and something dose happen in the negative factor of courses the blame and shame and guilt will be more then I could handle.
If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present
I will visit the company in person being they sent me home from my interview with an orientation binder I need to return and I will bring her a perennial from my garden as she mentioned she need plants I hope to leave this company on good terms cause I may need to visit them again.

I think the view here is what I need.

Mariposa market Orillia. What a warm and welcoming environment.  Not only is it pleasing to the eye but my taste buds are watering begging me come please choose the yummy treat. Picked a sweet treat or a filling and satisfying lunch snack with meat and cheese. The sweet treat choice won out and I am only half way devoured this apple fritters from heaven and I am sweetly satisfied emotionally and internally.

 

Kindness of people outside of bracbridge becomes more obvious every time I leave. Over whelming sometimes. These people must love their jobs. They genuinely enjoy sharing with you bits of their life. The courtesy van gentleman from the dealership who drove me here. First thing he said was “Let’s get you out of here." and he whisks me away to the mariposa market.
 He chats away as what I would have imagined an eager cab driver in a movie telling me of places to eat and places to stay away from and driving past his home he points it out and tells me about his wife and kids. I listen comfortably I study his face and see that life has not been so easy, he smells of cigarettes and has got that worn dark skin of most old mechanics and tow truck drivers. He speaks of working night shift leave there kids to be latch key kids. As we arrived at the back door to get market place he hopes out and opens the door to the market for me instructing me to make sure I try the double chocolate doughnut. I wave good bye and thank him.

I am overwhelmed from the sights and mesmerizing smells coming at me. Display after display of treats of all kinds how will I decide. My taste buds screaming at me to chose something. Faced with so much sticky and sugar icing. My brain tells me go choose something with meat and cheese that will be filling. My sugar monster wins the battle. How will I choose? I am extremely cheap and remind myself I don't have much money to spend on myself and am there for an oil changd that will be over $100.00 in itself. Overwhelmed by the thought of what to get to share with my family find myself leaning toward the large package of fresh and squishy cinnamon buns. I make my purchase from overly perky young girl with a warm inviting smile. I think to myself I wish I was that happy. I am on a roll now, the money has been spent I have a easier time buy myself a single treats and make a choice of the biggest apple fritters. Oh and of course a black coffee. The lady greets me with a great motherly contagious smile. She is a heavy set lady with plain brown hair and no makeup. We joke about weather she said moves around talking with ease as she carries on making my coffee and ringing me through the cash. A young girl behind the counter squeezes by her and she said something. I say pardon and she begins to tell me she was just referring to an ongoing joke with the girls, so she volenteerinly begins to tell me the whole joke. We laugh she hands me my receipt and I feel comfortable and welcome in this new place.  I sit and sip my coffee and take in this place Mariposa Market was it the comfort of being around common happy people, who look comfortable in their own skin and love being in their surroundings.  I think the view here is what I need.

the view from here again

 who would have know that going on stress leave would have been so stressful. Instead of getting better I thought I was getting worse. Maybe these feelings were just always there I just have never been able to connect with them.
 I had a thought the other day. I was pondering on the fact that I feel like I am falling apart inside and that maybe the reason is because I am not the person I usto be. I was very happy funny and active and most of all optimistic. People were attracted to me not because of the way I looked but because of my self confidence. When I loose my self confidence. I am no longer attractive to people. I am not optimistic and I am not helping people anymore. So what if I'm not helping people anymore I'm not needed anymore. So what if I'm falling apart on the inside.
Do I need to get better on the outside to help people feel good to make me feel good to make me better on the inside.